The silly season

So, here's the thing, having spent hundreds of pounds on buying gifts for family and friends and more than a few hours queuing in supermarkets for food in order to celebrate this ridiculous season, I am sitting here incensed with rage because my sons partner gave my son a gift and did not even bother to wrap it. That's the same person who, for the second year running, did not bother to put up christmas decorations. "what's the point" she said, when questioned about why she could not be fucking bothered to put up a few bits of tinsel and some brightly coloured balls. The same retort was repeated when asked why she had not spent a few minutes wrapping up a gift for the person she has lived with for the last two years. Oh, I don't know. What is the fucking point? Maybe it's because, in doing so, it gives the semblance of a pretence that you care about the person you are giving the gift to, you fucking bitch! (any breath Heather) Now I know what you are thinking, dear friends. Why did your son not put up the decorations himself? Well we all know the answer to that one, don't we. It's because Christmas, if left to the men of this world, would just be a date on the calendar. Oh alcohol would be bought. Of that I have no doubt. But all the little nuances that make Christmas, Christmas, would not happen. Now my son, this person he lives with and my darling hubby had got together and planned a wonderful gift for my christmas and birthday. I'm grateful, I really am. But this gesture of complete apathy has made me madder than I've been for a long time (and breath Heather) So do I think this relationship will last? will they be walking down the aisle any time soon? Will this woman be contributing to the family tree of the Smith clan? God I hope not!!!!!! Watch this space........

It's Been a While.......

.....I'm not sure why, other than my life has been so hectic since my last blog. It's been a difficult year, personally, but I have learned a lot about myself and i am trying to implement this learning into living my life in a healthier happier way. I have learned that the losses I have had in my life have made a more profound impact on me than I would care to admit. You just get on with it, don't you. 'Things' get in the way of you dealing with 'feelings' In my case it was people. My nephew. My parents. My son, all came first in my unconscious decision to put off feeling my grief so that I was sure they could be 'seen to' first. Make sure they were all right. When the last of these self imposed 'barriers' died, namely my mother, nearly two years ago, I floundered and did what I had been subjectively doing for years, putting EVERYTHING into my work and the people I work with. When this coping mechanism imploded, I had to consciously stop and start to open myself to a healing process which is ongoing today. Counselling has helped but I am still finding it difficult to live my life without the 'safe', 'comfy' and 'easy' coping strategies I have been reliant on over the years. Mine are food (I've talked about this before old chums) alcohol (something with which I have defiantly a destructive relationship with)and the aforementioned habit of behaving like 'Superwoman' at work...out to save everyone and everything, something which is impossible when working with service users who are embroiled in addiction (there is defiantly a third person in you and your service users relationship which very few have control over and certainly not you as a worker) Yes it's hard to have a balanced life. It's very hard for me to put myself first but if i don't do that then i'm of no use to any one. i have been thinking for some time now of writing a book about my mother. I've even gone as far as researching this and putting words on cyber paper but my procrastination knows no bounds and little has come of it. It weighs heavily on my mind, however, and I know I will have little peace until I finish whatever 'it' is. Writing this , I feel, is a start so thank you, whoever you are out there. I'll be back