Fear not, dear reader, this blog is not a homage to Disney's Lion King ( which has became the latest in a long line of classics they've tampered with just because they can. I'm talking about 3D dear reader. WHY?. I mean what's next, Norman Bates knife coming towards the audience during the classic shower scene in Psycho?, Sylvester Stallone's gloved fist flooring the cinema goers in Rocky? I'd better stop before I give them ideas) I digress. No the title of this blog alludes to the stage I am at in my life just now. Staring precariously down the face of 50 (48) I suppose there are no surprises as to what's happening in my life. 21 year old son just left home and living with his girlfriend, hubby and I living in reasonable comfort in our tiny 3 bedroomed semi, trying to adjust to living alone together again and me, desperately trying to share the care of my ailing, frail mother with my sister. No, all normal natural things that should be happening at my stage of life. Except I'm finding this stage particularly difficult to live through, dear reader.
It is not easy, watching your mother slowly lose everything she once held dear. My mother was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) about 5 years ago and I suppose she is in the latter stages of the disease at the moment. She can do little for herself and is frequently in and out of hospital. At 78 years old I suppose this is not unusual, except every case of illness has an individual, personal side to it. The person you are watching die is part of you, has taught you all you know. You may not like them all the time but you do love them, unconditionally.
I wrestle with how I feel about my mother's illness. I mean, what does she expect, she didn't particularly look after herself when she had her health. All my life I can seldom remember my mother without a fag in her hand. All photo's of her over the years paid testament to her favourite pastime, smoking. I suppose you could argue that her generation were not aware of the dangers of smoking but she has, for a long time, known that it could kill her and now it is. So yes, anger is what i'm feeling about my mothers illness. Angry that she didn't value her health when she had it, angry that she will not live forever as an important, useful, valued member of my family and angry she will not live to see me becoming a grandmother as she has my sister.
My mother is a difficult woman. Our relationship has often been strained and painful. Abused as a child, she views the world as a dangerous place and she has lived her life in fear. So scared and aware of the dangers in life was she, that she tried to control everything and everybody in it, tried not to let anybody in her life get hurt, as she had been. I know all this, but still I cannot help but feel anger, anger that she was not resilient enough to overcome what happened to her, angry that she has passed on the same fear and negativity to myself and my sister and angry that she didn't value my father more while he was alive.
My father died as he lived, quietly and with as little fuss and inconvenience to anybody as possible. He was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 months before he died and for 3 of those months he was in reasonably good health. Needless to say, my mother is also dyeing as she has lived, loudly and with as much fuss and inconvenience to everyone as possible! Of course she is! In that respect I suppose I admire her. I'm sitting here realising that she has taken the path least traveled in life, never been slow at speaking her mind (sometimes cringeworthly so) but that was my mother!! It is just not always easy being the daughter of such a mother!! I feel sorry for her in that she has never truly known how to enjoy life but I am also grateful to her because I try every day not to make the same mistakes that she has. Every time I think about saying something negative or judgemental to my son, I stop and listen to my mother saying it in my head and I say something positive and encouraging instead. Every time i think of something in a negative way, I stop and try to look for the positive. It has not always worked, but I see the faults and try and correct them. I am grateful to you, dear reader, for listening to this because yesterday, as i was visiting my mother in hospital, I truly wondered how I would get through another visit. Today, i will visit my mum with a new head and try and remember every good thing she has done in my life.
Every person who is out there dealing with the same things I am dealing with just now, you are not alone. I sympathise and feel for you and hope you have the strength to see it through to the end.
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